Grumblings of a Confused Mind

This is something Kyle and I wrote together. It was the last night. Kinda sad and not finished.

I breathed heavily as the realization of her leaving made the impact it was destined to create. What of tomorrow and the moments in which she would hold me accountable? No more. This is tomorrow anew with love unglued. They never thought I was capable of love. This story is about that love and the lengths to which I would go to defend it.

Tears slid silently down my cheeks as I watched him walk through the doors. We had to separate now for a while but I knew that we would be together someday. Our love was a love that started from something neither of us expected, from something no one expected. My heart ached as I slowly lost sight of him through the crowd, and I could do nothing to stop it.

My breathing quickened to her grasp at the last moment they held each other.” I love you”, Those were the last words I remember stammering to my soon to be gone, princess. My world was recreated by her visit and my life was transformed be the awareness of such possibility of the “happily ever after.” Sure, she loved being in control of every facet of each action but surely we could make bliss from each satisfaction.

My tears had dried by the time I boarded the plane. As I laid my head back against the uncomfortable seat, I remembered the way his chest felt when I leaned into him. I relaxed and remembered the memories I made this trip. He had made my Christmas away from family special, definitely a day to remember. We had spent the day walking around town and down by the docks. Later, we ordered pizza and ate it outside while trying to fend off the birds. That night, we watched movies while cuddled up on our make-shift bed. Lying next to him was the greatest feeling on earth.

I never claimed to be anyone special. Just a kiss below the nape and a whisper in the ear, I am not thinking about tomorrow, about your love’s departing, sorrow. I am poor, at many things, but loving true I feel the knack, I am yours forever….. no give backs.

I had never expected to fall in love, wasn’t really looking for it. I really wasn’t planning on falling in love with someone like him. He was everything I was warned against. The bad boy. But none of that mattered. It was love, and nothing could stand in the way of that. Our love moved quickly and we talked about everything under the sun from the start. He refused to let me go into anything blind though. He told me everything bad about him, every reason why I shouldn’t love him, gave me every chance to leave, but even he could not deter my love.

She was my maiden and  Warn her I did. The beauty and trust were for that of another breed,. seldom reserved for the likes of me. I told her I loved her and held her tight. Wished day would never come , through all of the night. She was special and few cared to see, the part of my heart I had given to she..

                We dated two months before even meeting. He met my uncle and declared his love for me and stood his ground against my uncle’s onslaught of questions. Kyle remembered every detail from our hours and hours, amounting to weeks, of phone conversations. This ability shocked my family and even me. That was when I decided I should make the trip to meet him. I made my entire Christmas break a visit to him, to meet his family and get to know him and all the quirks that made him special. Those things that set him apart from every other guy. The corny jokes, the love of puns, the fact that he loves to rub in between his toes and his radical honesty.

So, I am sitting here  babysitting Emily and listening to songs that remind me of Kyle. It amazes me the love I already feel for this child who I have only spent probably a week with total. I would do anything for her, my flesh and blood.

I realize that I will never feel this way about someone who is not a blood relative. I may love them, but it will never be the same as it is with her and Benjamin. They are my world.

That being said, spending time with them makes me realize even more how much I do not want children! I am not a kid person. I can’t see myself ever having a child. Maybe though. Maybe someday down the road. I can’t see myself having kids with anyone but Kyle. But I think most of that is that I can’t see myself with anyone but Kyle.

I honestly believe Kyle is the one for me. He is my life, my love, my all. I know that I shouldn’t feel like this about someone I have only been dating a little over seven months but that is just the way it is with Kyle. It shouldn’t be and maybe that everyone is right. Maybe I love him more because my family is so against him. Maybe I love him because he is the first person I had sex with.

But maybe I love him because he is the first person who made me feel like a person. Like I was worth something. Like I was the most beautiful person in the world. Like when I am in his arms, nothing in the world can go wrong. Like we are the only two people on the planet.

Or maybe it is like Kyle says and I am delusional.

Then I never want to see clearly because it feels so amazing.

I have been home less than a week and already Bernie has gone to jail for hitting my father and my father has upset me so much that I was reduced to tears and was shaking. I have been thrown into the middle of all the drama and I hate it.

This is why I hate being home. This is why I want nothing more than to move away. No return, No regrets.

I wish for nothing more than to be with Kyle, able to do whatever we want, whenever we want. To be able to have comfort in someone, with someone. While I am home, I have no one, no one who cares, no one who I can talk to.

It is like this pain in my heart. Pain that will not go away as long as I am here. But it scares me because Kyle thinks the only reason the relationship has lasted so long is because we have been apart for most of it. When we talk about our future his response is always “We will see.” And that scares me more than anything else in the world.

Kyle is everything to me. I have given him so much and I can’t imagine my world without him in it. I don’t know what I did before him. I don’t remember what my world was like except for misery and hurt. I remember having only Mr. Haye and Bernie. Now they have both hurt me so deeply by attacking Kyle and I fear our relationships will never be the same.

I am sick of the drama but it seems as if I will never be able to escape it.

Sheryl Leigh

Have you ever felt that you didn’t belong? I feel that way a lot and this week is no different. These people are so different from what I remember. Everything has changed and I just don’t fit any more. Emily and Benjamin are what make it all better. They make it worth it.

People wonder why I want to be with Kyle again, be away from my family. And it is because for the first time, I felt like I belonged. I belong in his arms, my head against his chest, his arms around me, the sound of his heartbeat lulling me to sleep. Everything was perfect with him.

Then I had to leave and go back to PCC where I was a total outsider. Where I felt like there were few people who I could get close to because they were all hypocrites. I didn’t fit in with them, I am not like them. I am not super religious like they are. I have had sex and I swear. I have drank and I just want to be back with Kyle.

Then I came “home” where I have never fit in. I especially don’t fit in with Bernie’s family. And I no longer fit in with my own. It is painful, having no one to talk to, no one to rely on. And now, Kyle’s phone plan ran out and he has no money to get a new one. So I am sitting, alone, with no one.

confusedly yours,

Sheryl Leigh

the-yellow-umbrella:

Home is where the heart is. Yeah I know, you are probably tired of hearing that. But it is true. I love being here with my family, but I know that my heart is with Kyle. My heart stayed with him in North Carolina and it is so hard to be here away from him. I miss laying next to him and cuddling in his arms.

And, do you want to know the truth? I miss kissing! I love kissing Kyle and I haven’t kissed anyone since January 21st. Waaayyyyy too long!

He keeps telling me that I am home with my family, that I need to enjoy them, that I don’t know when I will see them again. But it is so hard when everything inside you aches to be somewhere else, with someone else. It is like nothing else in the world matters besides him. Like everything here is foggy and unreal.

Last night, My family made a fire and we were all sitting and talking. My old youth pastor texted me and said “Nothing beats this does it?” And I had to respond that the only thing that would be better is if I had Kyle there with me. If I could cuddle up with his arms around me, lean up and kiss that beautiful face of his and run my fingers through his hair.

His phone plan runs out soon. He is moving to a new place without access to any phone. How often will I even get to talk to him? How often will I be able to hear that incredibly sexy voice of his? Who knows. All I know is that Kyle forever holds my heart, a willing hostage.